Self-Care Planning for the Holidays
November is just a couple of days away, which means the holiday season —and planning for it—will be under way soon. The holiday season and planning for them in the weeks prior usually entails a lot of extra work, and stress, for those involved. For mothers, we often shoulder a lot of the planning, shopping, and execution of our holiday-related activities, meals, travel and gifts.
Many moms start planning right after Halloween, around November 1, for their Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other holiday traditions. These plans often have so many facets that we are quickly overwhelmed by all there is to plan, buy, and do, often alone, and we suddenly feel stressed about all of the tasks before us.
A major contributor to this stress, in my opinion, is that life and our daily responsibilities don’t stop just because we have a ton of holiday plans to arrange. The hustle of everyday life keeps going, for which we mothers often also shoulder a large percentage of home and child-related responsibilities.
Basically, we’re already stretched thin and exhausted before the holidays even start—so we often just add the holidays planning to the huge pile of to-dos and try to white-knuckle our way through the burnout of the holiday season.
So, if you can related to the overwhelm of holiday planning and the stress it brings, this is the article for you! Here are some realistic and simple ways you can invite more calm into your holiday planning— and make more time for self-care practices that protect your peace and balance!
Acknowledge the Problems (with self-compassion)
I am a big proponent of honest reflection, so we can know the problem we’re talking about. Sugar-coating our problems won’t help us understand and, ultimately, correct them so we can build more of what we do want into our lives.
As I see it, the major contributors to holiday burnout for moms are:
not communicating about our everyday boundaries and needs,
violating our communicated and not-yet-communicated boundaries,
neglecting our everyday needs on an ongoing basis,
having or taking on too much or too many responsibilities without asking for help or delegating
If the above examples didn’t resonate, see if any of these sound familiar to you during your holidays seasons of yesteryear(s):
Feeling dread or overwhelm when we think about the holidays
Feeling disconnected from the events or unable to enjoy them fully (can’t relax)
Being unable to ask for help or feeling like others won’t do the task as well
Delaying tasks because you are overwhelmed (last-minute shopping, gaps in meals, etc)
Buying more gifts or food than you need because you are stressed about forgetting something or someone in the overwhelm of planning
Feeling alone in planning and executing the holiday activities and plans
Being the only person in your family who plans things
Feeling like you need a vacation after your holiday vacation time
Resenting loved ones because you think they didn’t do enough or do it well
Resenting loved ones because you think you did it all (and maybe did)
Does that sound like you? It sure did sound like me before I began my personal life-balance and self development journey. I still sometimes get hung up on some of them, but with practice it gets easier and easier. (Being passionate about this is what led me to start GLEAM to help moms in that same boat!)
An important factor in this preparatory step is to give yourself, and others, compassion for the patterns that already exist. We bring a lot of our upbringing and family-of-origin dynamics when we create our own families, and so does our partner. This means we often just fall into our roles without meaning to and we don’t always have conversations about how well these habits serve us or our family. Offer yourself and everyone involved some compassion for doing this and acknowledge that, for most of us, there was no ill-intent involved.
However, you can start to change these patterns—and preparing for the holiday stresses now will help keep the sleigh from going off-track. Let’s dig into the two big areas to beating burnout this holiday season.
Make Your Lists
I highly recommend starting with the practical matters first. It adds stress by assuming you have more to do than you actually do (and what can be delegated to others) when things are left unclear and nebulous. It is helps you to accept the work there is to do—denying the workload now will just stress you more if you put it off until the holiday arrives.
Start by outlining each holiday event you are having. This includes events like family holiday photos that need planning, outfits etc., school gatherings or parties that require items or action from you, work events that require a small gift exchange or food item, and any other activity you and your family will be celebrating.
Next, for each event, outline every task or action needed for its completion. Get specific and limit each line item to one action. This will help you be completely accurate in what is required.
However, avoid separating out the tiny tasks that are part of a larger action—don’t add stress by making your list unnecessarily (and inaccurately) long! Some examples here be for your Thanksgiving family meal. You might list: compile dish list, delegate dishes to extended family who are attending, write grocery shopping list for your dishes, and order groceries. There is no need to write out your grocery list on this master list—it will just clutter things visually and add to your overwhelm.
If you feel stuck or overwhelmed when making your master event list, start with the W/H questions.
What events are taking place?
When and where are they taking place?
What gifts, meals or activities will be included?
What actions are needed for those gifts, meals, activities?
Who will attend?
From that list, who is responsible for each task?
What travel, outfit, or decorations need to be be planned too?
One thing I do want to note here is on responsibility for tasks. As women, we are often told certain roles fall to us. Unfortunately, that traditionally meant almost all holiday tasks and meals, except for hanging lights maybe, fell to women. It’s what we saw at the holidays—women working frantically to cook all the food, get the special clothes bought, cleaned and ready, and then cleaning and preparing the house for guests. This doesn’t even include the responsibilities our mothers and grandmothers took on at our schools.
Now that many mothers often work full-time or own businesses, we don’t have the time and energy capacity to do it all ourselves. It is a good time to ask yourself what roles have you taken on (especially those that add extra stress) that your fully capable partner, family members, neighbors etc can take on for events that they will be celebrating too.
It is totally reasonable to expect all adults and even teenagers and older children to participate in planning, buying, cooking and cleaning to prepare for holiday events. Those who want you to enjoy the holiday too, and care about your stress level, will be more than happy to help with no complaints. (If it feels right to you, this might be something worth mentioning, in your own words of course.) You deserve to enjoy the holidays too, and to be present when family time is happening instead of off working away on the tasks alone.
See Who’s Been Naughty or Nice (Boundaries!)
Arguably the hardest step is phase two, which is when we start looking at our boundaries. As we see the practical work from step one take form, it’s important to evaluate who is doing what tasks, if any of those roles and tasks need changing, and how we’ll go about communicating those changes to the people involved. In all likelihood, they have no clue we want things to change—and that’s exactly where boundaries come into play.
Don’t panic—boundaries are not nearly as scary as they sound. In actuality, we reduce a lot of our anxiety about setting boundaries when we realize it’s not really about the other people (that much, at least).
Boundaries are mostly for us. Meaning, often the person co-signing the violation of our boundaries is—you got it—us. Either we haven’t defined them for ourselves, verbalized them to others involved, or held violators responsible once we’ve communicated them.
Part of practicing self-love and self-care is owning and upholding our boundaries. When we truly love ourselves, we won’t allow others to treat us poorly or take advantage of us. The perk to defining and refining our boundaries is that we and the people in relationship with us benefit from us showing up more authentically in these relationships!
Boundaries with Ourselves
I often find most of moms need boundaries around protecting their time and energy. Most of us identify as givers, and that means we often forget that, realistically, we don’t have unlimited time or energy to give. There has to be limits to ensure all of our responsibilities and needs are met.
Start by determining your bandwidth. How much time do you have for planning, purchasing, coordinating, etc.? Get specific about your weekly schedule between work, extracurricular activities and sleep (don’t run yourself ragged by skipping sleep!). Be honest about your energy bandwidth here too—acknowledge that no one can plan and go, go, go 24/7. Burnout will catch up with you if you play roulette (the house always wins).
Identify a time limit you will give to planning each week or day. This will help you keep a realistic timeline for completing each event and its tasks on your master list—and help you get real about delegating what can or should be given to someone else.
Warning: this next one is the hardest of all. Commit to time for dedicated self-care time each day. If you don’t, you’ll be exhausted and burned out before you even have the smell of stuffing in the air. If you don’t already have a daily self-care practice or plan in place, now is the time to make one!
Set a plan of what you will do for self-care on an ongoing basis. Now is the time to start these habits before the holiday stresses even start heading your way. If you are stuck or new to self-care practices, you can get GLEAM’s free Self-Care list and planner downloadable files when you sign up for our newsletter.
Hold yourself accountable to your needs. This part is so hard for women and especially moms. But, you’ve heard it a million times and it’s true—you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Find a self-care buddy. Know a mom who is working on their self-care plans too? Discuss a plan to meet up for shared self-care activities like going on a walk, taking time to yourselves and wander around a bookstore separately but together, or whatever activity that feels right.
Put these self-care plans on your calendar. It should go on your master calendar just like the event planning tasks outlined above. Ask your friend if you can add them to the calendar event too, so you’ll be more likely to protect that time on your calendar. Plus, having someone equally committed to the self-care plan and buddy system will increase both of your chances for a lasting self-care routine—win, win!
This is your reminder: You deserve to have your needs met–especially by you!!
Boundaries with Others
Know What Your Boundaries Actually Are
First, it’s important to define your boundaries and then identify what type they are. Make a list of any boundaries that stand out to you about the holidays. It’s okay if this list evolves and remains a work in progress.
As for their type, most boundaries are flexible—meaning we have some wiggle room while still maintaining feelings of mutual respect and positive regard. Others are rigid boundaries, meaning we have hard lines in the sand about them. We need to be clear in communicating these with others, because violating those would be a big deal for us and the relationship.
I’ll give you a real example from my own life. For the holidays, I am flexible on what we eat, who hosts, who cooks what dish, and how many guests can stay overnight if we’re hosting. However, I have zero flexibility on our kids’ general bedtime. My kids do not function well if they stay up past a certain point, and I have to uphold that with other family and myself when holiday festivities run late into the evening. Once I stated my boundary and a little explanation, all the family involved were totally in agreement. I avoided unnecessary confusion and hurt feelings (and possibly tears) by being clear and kind about my boundaries from the beginning.
Practice Conversations or Texts Now
If you feel anxious about delegating or asking for help, practice what you will say before you need to say it. You’ll be more likely to ask for the help you need, and you can make sure you ask in a way that feels right to you. You can practice with a friend, get feedback on a draft of a text before you send it, or get ideas online about how to word your request. Remember: people who love you will want to help if they can!
Before you reach out, define what you’re asking them to do and the boundaries you have around this request. What will you do if they need to change a portion of the task or decline it all together? Will you take the task on, give it to someone else, or drop it from the list entirely? Know what you want before you ask it and you’ll have much greater success.
If you get stuck, go back to your tasks list and remind yourself that one person simply do it all. It’s too much. Remember that the holidays are a time for making memories and celebrating with loved ones. That includes you! Tap into your self-worth and self-love so you can express your needs for help from a place of connection and love.
Remember that this may feel new to all of you. Do it anyway. If nothing changes, nothing changes. It is important for everyone’s enjoyment of the holidays that you get help and can participate in the fun like everyone else. You never know—the other person may discover a skill or passion they never knew they had until they help with the task you needed done!
Talk with the Late Folks Now
Determine who may need reminders and requests sent now. You know who I mean. The chronically late family, the friends who tend to wait until the last minute, or the neighbor who doesn’t check their email may need a reminder now. However, I highly recommend that you suggest that they set reminders for themselves.
Once you delegate it, it becomes their task now. Remind them that they are a good choice for this task and fully capable of handling all aspects of it now that you have handed it over to them. That includes reminders to actually do it by the time it needs to be done!
Now that you’ve got our tips, let us hear from you!
What’s your strategy for self-care and stress reduction during the holidays? If these tips resonate for you, how might you incorporate them this year?
As always, reach out if you have any questions or want to explore getting support through life coaching with GLEAM!
